Tough enough audition tapes
Zack Ryder’s Tough Enough audition was deemed “a bit too grating” for the selection committee.

Desperate to increase his prominence within World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) by any means necessary, perennial underdog Zack Ryder auditioned for Tough Enough, the company’s “reality TV” search for future stars, but to no avail.

“Thank you for your audition video Mr. or Mrs. [RYDER],” reads a form letter Ryder received this morning from the WWE’s Connecticut offices.

“We regret to inform you that you have not been selected to appear on Tough Enough, but thank you for being a member of the WWE Universe.”

Ryder, who has become a kind of poster child for the WWE’s lower echelon of talent — or curtain-jerkers, in the lingo of the wrestling business — figured a spot on Tough Enough might help him get noticed and finally earn some airtime on WWE programming.

His audition tape included clips of several matches — being squashed by Ryback, being squashed by Big E, being squashed by El Torito — as well as an excerpt from his music video, Hoeski (which, to his credit, is objectively and indisputably the best thing ever created).

Having failed to earn a spot on Tough Enough, Ryder says he intends to capture the attention of his bosses in a different way: standing naked at the catering table, screaming “woo-woo-woo” until someone┬ápays attention to him.