Enigmatic professional wrestler Bray Wyatt has reportedly been inconsolable after learning that his so-called “fireflies” — twinkling lights that accompany his entrance in darkened arenas — are not glowing insects, but just the smartphones of wrestling fans.
“Wait… wait.. wait a second,” stammered Wyatt, unable to find the words to express his dismay. “Those are… telephones?”
According to backstage sources within WWE, Wyatt stormed out of an arena in Cincinnati upon learning the true nature of the fireflies, and spent the rest of his evening crying in his hotel room while listening to Taylor Swift.
Wyatt has long prided himself on being a charismatic, cult-like figure and self-professed “New Face of Fear,” but his confidence has plummeted since learning he does not actually posses magical control over swarms of bioluminescent lampyridae.
“Well this just sucks,” sulked Wyatt. “Wait until Sister Abigail hears about this.”
Nobody within WWE had the heart to tell Wyatt that Sister Abigail is a figment of his imagination.