In what some pundits are calling the “return of the Attitude Era,” World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) announced today that every upcoming TV broadcast and pay-per-view will feature at least one no-rope-barbed-wire-light-tubes-thumbtacks-razor-blades deathmatch.

Sports-entertainment mogul Vince McMahon said during a press conference that “quite frankly, our audience wants things a bit edgier, and we always listen to what the fans want, quite frankly.”

WWE deathmatch
If you like the sight of grown men voluntarily maiming themselves and each other due to unresolved daddy issues, you’ll love NXT NEW BLOODD.

The company also announced several new hires — Nick Gage, Mad Man Pondo, Warhed, and Matt Tremont — who will train in the alley behind the WWE Performance Center, which has been littered with assorted sharp objects and trash. They and other deathmatch stars will appear on an upcoming TV show, NXT NEW BLOODD, airing Thursday at midnight on the WWE Network starting on Halloween.

In the interest of equality and fairness, male and female WWE Superstars will compete in deathmatches, sometimes in the Intergender Taipei Exploding Cage of Death Match.

The newly appointed General Manager of NXT NEW BLOODD, Necro Butcher, promises that the new show will “take smiles off people’s faces.”

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