In an effort to boost his popularity and widen his fanbase, pro wrestler Roman Reigns will reportedly soon be “repackaged” by World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) as a foul-mouthed, beer-swilling Texas redneck named “Ice Cold” Austin Roman.

According to leaked WWE documents posted online this morning, Reigns will shave off all his wet black hair, adopt a Texan drawl, and begin using a middle-finger salute.

The leaked documents reveal a number of “persona modifications” that will make Reigns “more relatable to WWE’s core demographic of downtrodden blue-collar everymen,” such as:

  • Reigns will wear clothing emblazoned with skull iconography and a “Roman 3:16” logo
  • He will begin spewing catchphrases like: “I’m gonna open up a can of sufferin’ succotash” and “That’s the bottom line, and you can belieee dat.”
  • Reigns will start using a new finishing maneuver, a seated three-quarter facelock jawbreaker called The Ice Cold Staggerer
  • Upon winning a match, Reigns will messily guzzle several beers, known affectionately as Reignsweisers

To make the transition less jarring for fans, WWE is expected to first introduce the repackaged Reigns as The Reignsmaster.

 

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