Roman reigns heel
An artist’s rendering of the new persona WWE has envisioned for Roman Reigns.

In an effort to boost his popularity and widen his fanbase, pro wrestler Roman Reigns will reportedly soon be “repackaged” by World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) as a foul-mouthed, beer-swilling Texas redneck named “Ice Cold” Austin Roman.

According to leaked WWE documents posted online this morning, Reigns will shave off all his wet black hair, adopt a Texan drawl, and begin using a middle-finger salute.

The leaked documents reveal a number of “persona modifications” that will make Reigns “more relatable to WWE’s core demographic of downtrodden blue-collar everymen,” such as:

  • Reigns will wear clothing emblazoned with skull iconography and a “Roman 3:16” logo
  • He will begin spewing catchphrases like: “I’m gonna open up a can of sufferin’ succotash” and “That’s the bottom line, and you can belieee dat.”
  • Reigns will start using a new finishing maneuver, a seated three-quarter facelock jawbreaker called The Ice Cold Staggerer
  • Upon winning a match, Reigns will messily guzzle several beers, known affectionately as Reignsweisers

To make the transition less jarring for fans, WWE is expected to first introduce the repackaged Reigns as The Reignsmaster.