WWE to “repackage” Reigns as bald, beer-swilling redneck
In an effort to boost his popularity and widen his fanbase, pro wrestler Roman Reigns will reportedly soon be “repackaged” by World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) as a foul-mouthed, beer-swilling Texas redneck named “Ice Cold” Austin Roman.
According to leaked WWE documents posted online this morning, Reigns will shave off all his wet black hair, adopt a Texan drawl, and begin using a middle-finger salute.
The leaked documents reveal a number of “persona modifications” that will make Reigns “more relatable to WWE’s core demographic of downtrodden blue-collar everymen,” such as:
- Reigns will wear clothing emblazoned with skull iconography and a “Roman 3:16” logo
- He will begin spewing catchphrases like: “I’m gonna open up a can of sufferin’ succotash” and “That’s the bottom line, and you can belieee dat.”
- Reigns will start using a new finishing maneuver, a seated three-quarter facelock jawbreaker called The Ice Cold Staggerer
- Upon winning a match, Reigns will messily guzzle several beers, known affectionately as Reignsweisers
To make the transition less jarring for fans, WWE is expected to first introduce the repackaged Reigns as The Reignsmaster.