raw anonymous gm
Michael Cole reads aloud an email wrestling fans have waited a decade to hear — the return of the Anonymous Raw GM.

World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) has been in a well-publicized ratings slump of late, but the company is promising shareholders “huge things afoot for 2022” thanks to the long-awaited return of a popular personality: the Anonymous General Manager of Monday Night Raw. 

“Quite frankly, the anonymous GM is such good s-stuff, quite frankly,” said one WWE spokesperson who asked to be identified as Gene Jack Hammer.

More than a decade has passed since the Anonymous Raw General Manger first took the world of sports-entertainment by storm, drastically re-shaping live professional wrestling events simply by sending emails to a ringside commentator Michael Cole (father of wrestler Adam Cole). But the unmistakable email alert chime sounded last night at a WWE Live Event in Tallahassee, forcing Cole to interrupt the event with an announcment.

“Ladies and gentleman, I have just received an email from the Anonymous General Manger of Monday Night Raw,” said Cole. “It reads: get ready for a lot of six-man-tag action!”

The Anonymous GM disappeared from WWE in 2011 following a “false flag operation” that deliberately mis-attributed the role to Hornswoggle Finlay-McMahon, a happy-go-lucky leprechaun who formerly lived underneath the ring with tables and kendo sticks and Kane. 

In reality, the true identity of the Anonymous Raw General Manager has never been revealed publicly. But at WrestleMania 2022, it will be revealed that the Anonymous Raw General Manager was actually L’il Jimmy or the Gobbledy Gooker or some crap, and that we should never speak of it again.

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