Reacting to lower-than-expected subscription rates for the video-streaming service, World Wrestling Entertainment is eliminating the initial requirement of a six-month commitment to the WWE Network, though company chairman Vince McMahon now requires the first-born children of subscribers.
“We are pleased to announce there is no longer a minimum commitment to the WWE Network,” reads a press release issued from the company’s Connecticut headquarters, “and members of the WWE Universe need only to sacrifice their first child as an offering to Lord McMahon.”
WWE hopes the new rules will push the subscriber rate over the one-million mark — a goal since the Network was launched — though it’s unclear exactly what McMahon intends to do with so many babies.
Industry insiders believe McMahon may be planning to groom the next generation of WWE Superstars by forcing toddlers to begin training at the company’s developmental Performance Center in Orlando.
A poll conducted today reveals that most wrestling fans are willing to relinquish their first-born children so long as the WWE Network begins streaming Coliseum Video’s “Best of the WWF” series in its entirety.
The majority of fans are just relieved that McMahon isn’t demanding the right of Prima Nocta.