Roman reigns promo
A WWE microphone insists it was given an impossible task of making Roman Reigns look strong during a recent promo.

A wireless microphone owned by World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) has earned a stern reprimand from company Chairman Vince McMahon for utterly failing to make Roman Reigns look strong during a recent promo.

Although the microphone — through which Reigns uttered the flat and monotonous promo this week — did indeed amplify Reigns’ voice, mere amplification wasn’t enough to make Reigns look or sound strong.

The microphone has been placed on a 30-day suspension, though few believe the discipline is fair, because none of the other microphones currently owned by WWE are likely to fare better unless equipped with special voice-enhancing and vocabulary-expanding effects.

Some within the company argue that it’s unfair to “shoot the messenger,” in the sense that the microphone is merely a conduit through which Reigns repeatedly fails to make himself look strong, or even interesting.

It has been suggested that Reigns should be paired with a manager to do all his talking for him, much like how Paul Heyman serves as the mouthpiece for Brock Lesnar, who can only communicate through primal grunts and shrieks.

Reigns would need a manager more eloquent and captivating than himself — such as, for instance, a Teddy Ruxpin toy.


[Thanks to Jake Noble for the idea]