After a “historic” first-ever women’s bout in Saudi Arabia — and, according to enthusiastic commentators, 739 other “historic” moments for women sports-entertainers over the past year — World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) officially launched the “Women’s Devolution” last night when Lana [SURNAME UNKNOWN] lied about being pregnant as a revenge ploy against her sex-addicted former lover, Rusev.
“Rusev put a matchka brat inside me!” hollered Lana in front of roughly 15,000 strangers at an arena in Manchester.
“Look at my stomach getting bigger!” she screeched, although her exposed abdomen appeared to be as taut and tanned as always.
Rusev, bewildered by the revelation that he may soon be a father, sought to address the situation through amicable dialogue, but the “Ravishing Russian” slapped him repeatedly and gouged his eyes until her new lover, Robert “Bobby” Lashley arrived and attacked Rusev. Lana and Lashley then headed backstage, laughing hysterically, about how the idiot Rusev was fooled by Lana’s lies about having undergone the beautiful miracle of pregnancy.
This all happened, of course, on the same episode of Raw that began with an all-women’s tag match in which the commentators praised — with a straight face — WWE’s incredibly historically historic victories for feminism around the globe.
According to a backstage source, the script for the segment was written in 1998 by Vince Russo, but sat unnoticed beside a photocopier at WWE’s Connecticut headquarters for more than 20 years until it was stumbled upon by Vince McMahon, who waved the script around at a production meeting Monday screaming: “This is such good sh**.”
The upcoming Survivor Series event is expected to continue the Women’s Devolution with a 10-woman mud wrestling match.