The entire editorial team at Kayfabe News took the afternoon off today after WWE announced that, following a “preliminary investigation” into the mysterious collapse of precariously stacked backstage equipment onto Roman Reigns, “forklift driver error” was to blame.
“Well, they are satirizing themselves now,” said Kayfabe News editor-in-chief Colin Hunter, grabbing his fedora from a coat rack on his way out of the newsroom for the weekend. “We can’t top that.”
The “preliminary investigation,” conducted by persons unidentified by the article on WWE.com summarizing the results, said the incident was “caused by a forklift backstage carrying lighting grids that were not properly secured.”
The investigation does not explain — nor even mention — the presence of a camera on the forklift itself, providing a split-second glimpse of Reigns’ horrified face.
Nor did the investigation provide an explanation as to why, amid such a chaotic and unexpected scene on live television, there were multiple camera cuts during the collapse of the scaffolding.
Despite several “updates” throughout the day on WWE.com, the incident failed to garner any mainstream media attention, and WWE’s stock prices were unaffected by the widely televised breach of workplace safety regulations.
An update published at 12:20 pm ET today said that the “identity of the forklift driver has not been determined,” even though all workplaces must keep detailed records of all persons operating heavy equipment — not to mention the fact that it is pretty difficult to drive a forklift without being noticed.
At Kayfabe News world headquarters, meanwhile, reporters and editors stared at the blank sheets of paper in their typewriters, unable to come up with anything more preposterous than what WWE’s own writers are concocting.