In what is surely destined to be a plodding and depressing display, a handful of WWE cast-offs and obscure “indy” wrestlers will perform for a small audience of yokels tonight at an event ironically titled “All In.”
Posters for the rinkydink event — which have been taped to several-dozen lampposts in a Chicago suburb for the past month — depict former WWE mid-carder “Dashing” Cody Rhodes (remember him? He had a moustache!) headlining the show against someone named Rick Aldis.
Also booked on the pathetic card:
- Kenny Umaga (presumably some kind of Samoan wannabe)
- The Brisco Brothers, shamelessly pretending to be Gerald and Jack Brisco
- A 15-man over-the-top-rope battle royal, featuring former WWE jabroni Rockabilly
- Someone claiming to be Rey Mysterio
- “The Fallen Dragon” Christopher Danielson
- A pair of teenagers called The Young Bucks, who are probably named Shawn and Marty
Tickets are presumably available at the door, likely for $5 apiece or a donation to the local food bank, and we assume front-row seats are still available.
True fans of professional wrestling, however, will be far more interested in tonight’s new episode of Miz & Mrs.