As if to prove the old Monsoonian adage that “there are no time-outs in professional wrestling,” WWE has continued its rigorous schedule of non-televised house shows despite safety guidelines prohibiting fans from attending. 

Last night at the Kitchener Memorial Auditorium, for example, a record-setting crowd of zero people did not watch a series of drawn-out, low-impact bouts featuring WWE’s top mid-carders. 

Because the events are not televised, there is no need for production staff — just the wrestlers, a referee who drives the ring truck, and a timekeeper to do whatever a timekeeper actually does. 

The main event of this week’s house show B-town loop — which includes empty-arena shows in Windsor, Saskatoon, Kamloops and Medicine Hat — pits [FIRST NAME REDACTED] Riddle against Gran Metalik. 

Other matches that nobody will see on the gruelling Canadian tour: Ivar versus Montez Ford, King Corbin versus Dominick Mysterio, and Mandy Morgan versus Mickey Rose. 

According to an elderly security guard, who was at the Kitchener Memorial Auditorium to ensure delivery personnel wore face masks, described the WWE house show there as “peculiar” and “quiet.”