big show strowman ring
Braun Strowman (right) and The Big Show will be expected to pay for ring repairs, which could exceed $10K, if turnbuckle Febrezing is required.

World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) announced today that all live events have been “indefinitely cancelled” after the company’s only ring collapsed under the colossal frames of The Big Show and Brawn “Hotbody” Strowman. 

“We regretfully inform members of the WWE Universe that our ring — and thus our company — will be out of action for the foreseeable future,” reads a press release issued this morning from the company’s Connecticut headquarters. 

According to one backstage source, who wished to be identified only as V. McMahon for the sake of anonymity, the ring “will be in the shop for at least four weeks — maybe longer, due to the global shortage of turnbuckle pad stuffing.”

The ring will require extensive repairs, including rope re-elasticizing, post unbending, apron re-alignment, canvas delousing, and a full clean-out of all kendo sticks, garbage cans, and sledgehammers stored underneath. 

WWE said it “deeply regrets” the decision to cancel shows, but added in the fine print of the press release: “No refunds.”