WWE bans
WWE Chairman Vince McMahon announces the company’s new Wellness Policy ban of injuries.

With many of its top talent currently on the disabled list, World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) took the unprecedented step today of banning superstars from sustaining any form of career-interrupting injury.

“We are putting a stop to this epidemic right now,” WWE Chairman Vince McMahon said during a press conference at the company’s Connecticut headquarters.

“The WWE Wellness Policy henceforth forbids performance-limiting injuries, especially prior to WrestleMania.”

The company made the drastic ban amid a spate of injuries that have sidelined top money-drawing talent including John Cena, Cesaro, Seth Rollins, Sting, Daniel Bryan, Rusev and, presumably, Damian Sandow.

According to the revised Wellness Policy, any WWE Superstar caught during random testing with illicit injuries will be hit with a $10,000 fine and will be forced to join the Social Outcasts.

To prevent injuries, all WWE feuds will henceforth be settled not through violence, but through open dialogue and compromise.

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