wrestlemania 35
A backstage source tells Kayfabe News that some male wrestlers will be involved in WrestleMania 35, but only as “valets.”

Capitalizing on the overwhelmingly positive response to Monday’s announcement of Evolution — an all-women’s pay-per-view to be held this October — World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) revealed today that WrestleMania 35 next spring will now exclusively feature women’s matches.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley, sobbing tears of joy, described the announcement “as the single greatest thing to happen to this business in the history of ever,” despite the fact that, by creating such an event, he precluded himself from competing in it.

According to backstage rumors, the event will also be lengthened from its usual duration of nine hours to 15, not counting pre-show, pre-pre-show, and the previous evening’s all-women WWE Hall of Fame induction ceremony.

WWE commentator Michael Cole described the announcement of the all-women’s WrestleMania as “historic,” and then he described it as “historic” again 73 more times in the span of an hour.

Some chauvinistic fans have decried the plans for an all-women’s WrestleMania, arguing that male sports-entertainers deserve the opportunity to perform as equals to their female counterparts on the so-called Grandest Stage of Them All.

But a WWE spokesperson said the event will indeed have some male representation: the pre-show will feature a match between The Rock and The Undertaker, time permitting, and some male wrestlers will serve as “valets.”