All over the world, fans of professional sports-entertainment are united in dread today after the revelation that Robert “Bobby” Lashley has — in addition to three sisters, about whom fans have already learned too much — five brothers.

According to veteran wrestling journalist Dan Mutzler, Lashley has recorded an interview segment with Renee Young — to air Monday between 8:17pm and 9:57 EST —  in which he describes, in painstaking detail, what it was like growing up as the eldest boy in a brood of nine.

The hashtag #PleaseGodNo began trending this morning on Twitter as fans reacted to subsequent reports that Sami Zayn is planning to ridicule Lashley by dressing five women up as men and trotting them out to the ring for a 50-minute “comedy” segment immediately after the interview.

Zayn has insisted that the skit will “be even funnier than the last one,” with even more poop jokes, sight-gags based on crossdressing, and insinuations of domestic violence.

In protest, thousands of fans have insisted they will “boycott the WWE Network,” though historical precedent suggests that this is a completely empty threat.