WWE Hall of Famer and US “President” Donald Jose Trump signed an executive order this morning that legalizes “open carry” of steel chairs among professional wrestlers — and the chair-control lobby is outraged!
“Chairshots occur at a 900 percent higher rate in the United States than any other country on Earth– so why the hell are we loosening chair restrictions?” raged anti-chair activist and retired wrestler Mickhail “Mick” Foley, himself a longtime victim of chair violence.
But the powerful NCA (National Chair Association) has fought for decades to allow wrestlers to carry non-concealed folding chairs, arguing that responsible chair-owners should just learn proper chair safety (i.e. hit with the flat side, never unprotected to the head, try not to bounce the chair off the top rope and clobber oneself, etc.).
“The only way to stop a heel with a steel chair is a babyface with a steel chair,” said pro-chair activist Dylan Summers, who wrestled for nearly 20 years as “The Necro Butcher” before earning his PhD from Yale in Feminist Literary Theory.
Summers has open-carried his trusty 9-lb Steel Foldomatic Sitmaster DeLUX© folding chair ever since a particularly intense outbreak of chair-related violence during an IWA Mid-South feud with Samoa Joe, himself skilled chairsman.
Wrote Summers on Facebook: “The libtard snowflakes are coming to take away our god-given chairs, and we have to defend our 27th Amendment rights to bear chairs to protect ourselves from being worked into a shoot by the mainstream fake news media, like the radical anti-chair propaganda dirtsheet, Loveseats Monthly.”
President Trump’s sudden loosening of chair-control legislation has some pundits worried that chair-related violence may increase in states such as like Florida, which has an unusually high concentration of both professional wrestlers and remarkable stupidity.
Just last night, for example, another tragic mass-chairshooting unfolded last night in Orlando due to an unnamed WWE heel with “terrible tattoos,” which really could be anyone. Details are sketchy, but early reports from the scene indicate several victims now have big red welts on their backs that really sting, mostly in the shower.
In the wake of so many senseless mass chairshots, anti-chair movement has launched a public service campaign called “Chairs are for sitting, not hitting.” Trump has since lashed out against this movement, tweeting: ”
Sports-entertainment mogul Vince McMahon, however, has dismissed suggestions that WWE programming promotes chair violence as “poppycock, quite frankly,” insisting instead that WWE’s storylines “teach young people about responsible chair usage in a controlled chairshooting environment.”