undertaker return
The Undertaker did indeed return at WrestleMania, but only to sing America the Beautiful.

To avoid the inevitable headaches that accompany live broadcasting, World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) pre-taped its annual WrestleMania extravaganza this morning, and will air an edited version of it on the WWE Network tonight.

The 75,000 fans who have tickets to watch the event in the New Orleans SuperDome will actually see a hyper-realistic hologram projection of the pre-taped event, which actually makes for better visibility for the vast majority of fans too cheap to buy decent seats.

If you’re trying to avoid spoilers, you should stop reading right now, because here are the results of this morning’s Showcase of the Immortals!

  • Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal: Deemed a no-contest after Braun Strowman, in one of his trademark zany tirades, flips over the entire ring, causing all participants to hit the floor at the same time.
  • The Fabulous Moolah Women’s Battle Royal: Won by a surprise entrant, the returning James Ellsworth.
  • Brock Lesnar vs. Roman Reigns: cancelled after both men settled their differences through rational dialogue, gentlemanly conciliation, and a make-up kiss.
  • AJ Styles vs. Shinsuke Nakamura: Moved to pre-show due to lack of fan interest. Five-minute time-limit draw.
  • The Miz vs. Seth Rollins vs. Finn Balor: Finn Balor wins easily after dazzling his opponents with a phantasmagoric entrance, winning with a roll-up pin on The Miz at the 17-second mark.
  • John Cena attends “as a fan,” but gets ejected by security during the second match for inflating and batting around a beach ball.
  • Braun Strowman and Mystery Partner vs. Sheamus and Cesaro: The Bar win quickly after Strowman’s mystery partner, Primo Colon, proves underwhelming.
  • Triple H and Stephanie McMahon vs. Kurt Angle and Ronda Rousey: After Rousey spends nine consecutive minutes pointing at the WrestleMania sign, Stephanie McMahon beats her clean with a small-package.

And there you have it!

We can guarantee the veracity of these results because they were given to us by a guy whose uncle is friends with a bartender who heard a Superdome janitor talking about it today.

Try to act surprised when you see all this during tonight’s pre-recorded replay.