Wresltemania cancelled
World Wrestling Entertainment is encouraging fans to spend the evening of April 7 reading a book or going for a nice walk.

With just days remaining until the biggest professional wrestling event of the year, WrestleMania has been cancelled due to allegations that some — perhaps all — of the matches have been rigged.

WWE has called the allegations “spurious and unfounded,” counter-arguing that the event has been cancelled due to “national security concerns.” (Representatives from the National Security Agency said they are “unaware” of such concerns).

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But a shocking report by CNN, based on documents allegedly leaked from WWE’s Connecticut headquarters, indicates that the winners and losers of matches in the upcoming event had been predetermined. The documents reveal, for instance, that Baron Corbin is scheduled to defeat Kurt Angle in a two-minute “squash” match.

The report continues that is “overwhelming evidence” that the participants in WrestleMania “mutually agreed to outcomes that would be most satisfying to the audience” and that the “pretense of legitimate athletic competition is a dramatic charade.”

According to the leaked documents, many, if not all, pro wrestling matches are “worked” in this way — an assertion that, if true, will rock the sport to its core.

Approximately 90,000 wrestling fans had already purchased tickets to attend WrestleMania, hoping to see a series of high-stakes, competitive grappling matches.

The fine print on every WrestleMania ticket, however, has the caveat: “Card subject to lazy creative.”

In even finer print, the tickets read: “No refunds.”

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