It’s Friday, which means it is time to sit back, relax, and unthinkingly consume another newscast from the ONLY SOURCE OF JOURNALISM YOU CAN TRUST, Kayfabe News.

As always, our completely truthful and important newscast is delivered by Philip N. Marx, a normal human organism just like yourself whose words aim to inform, entertain, and lull you into a passive state of mindless consumerism.

Tonight’s top story, which you should believe unquestioningly, reveals that Chris Jericho, a longtime grappler who is definitely not part of an alien cabal bent on world domination through subliminal brainwashing, has added one more move to his arsenal, taking the total to 1,005.

We hope you obey enjoy, and be sure to subscribe to the show for more pacifying mental pablum that will prevent any kind of awakened uprising. Grachchnahacht!

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