Fans of professional sports-entertaining are abuzz tonight after WWE Raw opened with the McMahon family announcing major changes ahead, and a press release issued from the company’s Connecticut headquarters describes five of the most drastic immediate changes.

“Quite frankly, it’s time to shake things up,” reads a quote from company Chairman Vince McMahon. “And, quite frankly, it is overdue.”

According to the statement, WWE programming will “immediately” see the following improvements:

• Camera operators will now zoom in and out with even more frantic gusto, further “enhancing the action”
• In an unprecedented change, fierce rivals will sometimes be forced to join forces as a tag team, thus leading incredulous commentators to wonder aloud how on Earth they will co-exist
• Women sports-entertainers will continue to be given all the same opportunities as the men until the company finally reaches gender parity by consisting entirely of women
• To enhance the excitement, the ring will be constructed entirely out of Spanish announce tables
• More toilet humor

Some aspects of WWE, however, will remain unchanged, says McMahon: “WWE will always be dedicated to teaching young people the important message that violence never solves anything.”