Sports-entertainment mogul Vince McMahon seems determined to re-establish his once-vicelike monopoly on the pro wrestling industry one promotion at a time, having just announced another major acquisition to his portfolio, Juggalo Championshi(p) Wrestling (JCW). 

McMahon reportedly spent much of the last week negotiating the sale with JCW founders “Violet Jade” and “Too Dopey 2 Shagg,” previously known collectively as Insane Clown Posse (ICP), but more recently renamed the Circus Performers Experiencing Mental Health Challenges (CPEMHC, whoop whooooop). 

Negotiations between McMahon and the former posse reportedly lasted “nearly dozens of minutes,” at which point McMahon acquired JCW for the “final sale price of $840.39 and 17 crates of flat Faygo.”

The first-ever WWE/JCW pay-per-view is tentatively set for June, and is expected to feature matches including:

• Mad Man Pondo vs. Bobby Lashley
• Finn Balor vs. Necro Butcher 
• Dominick Mysterio vs. 2 Tuff Tony
• Officer Colt Cabana vs. Vince McMahon vs. The Iron Sheik vs. Vanilla Ice
• The third-last contestant voted off season six of Survivor vs. Corporal Robinson and a stripper

McMahon’s purchase of JCW is being described by some sports-entertainment pundits as a “retaliation” against his arch-nemesis, AEW owner Tony Khan, who recently purchased Ring of Honor, the WBF, and ICO PRO. 

Just get a Kayfabe News shirt already, dingus.