Vince McMahon, the sports-entertainment mogul who turned turned World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) into a global pop-culture juggernaut, announced his retirement today — and then, in true pro-wrestling fashion, announced his immediate return.

“I’ll never retire,” screamed a wild-eyed McMahon, adding “I am a God among men.”

McMahon’s retirement, announced earlier today, lasted a total of 83 minutes, which is the third-shortest retirement in wrestling history, after Terry Funk (81 minutes) and Ric Flair (four minutes). 

The 77-year-old billionaire, who played the onscreen character of the nefarious Mr. McMahon with remarkable ease, said he plans to wrestle Ric Flair on his 80th birthday. 

“Quite frankly,” McMahon said, “And things of that nature, quite frankly.” Then he got distracted by a passing bird and asked for his daily glass of ICO PRO. 




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