Citing “shock and horror” at the televised “murder” of Mitch the Potted Plant on Monday Night Raw, a group of botany activists has called for a worldwide boycott of World Wrestling Entertainment.
Known collectively as the “Plant Lives Matter” movement, the botanists claim that “WWE has, for far too long, glorified violence against plants, and it must stop now.”
Mitch, an 11-month-old ficus who was finally living his dream of WWE superstardom as Dean Ambrose’s sidekick on the Ambrose Asylum talk show, died last night after Chris Jericho smashed him against the head of his best friend.
“This is the most heinous act of man-on-plant violence since Randy Savage destroyed the roses that George Steele gave to Miss Elizabeth,” reads a statement issued by the botanists. “What’s next — the ferns in The Authority’s office?”
Ambrose is said to be “inconsolable” today, and has joined the botanists in lobbying WWE to end all attacks on photosynthesizers: “I will avenge you, my sweet shrubbery. #RIPMitch”