Amid escalating global concern over marauding religious extremism and anti-Western sentiment in the Middle East, US President Barack Obama has authorized the deployment of America’s most sophisticated tactical weapon: Hulk Hogan.
Sources outside Mosul, the Iraqi stronghold of militant jihadist group Islamic State (formerly ISIS), report that Hogan was parachuted into the area yesterday, and immediately began flexing his 24-inch pythons in the direction of enemy bunkers (an intimidation tactic that typically precedes a full-on assault).
Hogan issued a statement before his deployment, outlining his reasons for joining the fight overseas: “I feel strong about right and wrong, and I don’t take trouble for very long. I am a real American (and I) fight for the rights of every man.”
Hogan, who has single-handedly defended American freedom from Iranian, Russian and Ugandan dissidents in the past, is expected to run wild on the caliphate, and has rhetorically asked leader Abu Abdullah al-Rashid al-Baghdadi what he’s “gonna do” (to which the caliph has not publicly responded).
It is expected that Hogan will reclaim Mosul by force with his big boot, and then will overthrow the caliphate entirely by dropping the big leg on al-Baghdadi.
He will be met with fierce resistance by a heavily armed and well-funded militia of depraved would-be martyrs, of course, but Hogan is expected to withstand their attacks by wagging his finger, shaking his head, and huffing theatrically with eyes bulged.
A source at the UN Department of Defence indicated that Hogan may receive support on the ground from Corporal Kirchner and Sergeant Slaughter, though some fear the latter might turn traitor and side with the enemy.