Amid escalating tensions and violence in the Middle East, WWE Hall of Famer and US “President” has authorized the deployment of America’s most sophisticated tactical weapon: Hulk Hogan.
Sources in Tehran report that Hogan was parachuted into the area yesterday, “Real American” blaring from loudspeakers, immediately began flexing his 24-inch pythons in the direction of Iranian weapons depots.
Hogan, who famously defeated Iranian leader I. Ron Sheik in 1984, issued a statement before his deployment, outlining his reasons for joining the fight overseas: “I feel strong about right and wrong, and I don’t take trouble for very long,” he said. “I am a real American (and I) fight for the rights of every man.”
Hogan, who has single-handedly defended American freedom from Iraqi, Russian, Ugandan, and Parts Unknownian dissidents in the past, is expected to run wild on Iran’s military, having rhetorically asked what they’re “gonna do.” The Iranian government has not responded regarding what it’s gonna do.
It is expected that Hogan will conquer Tehran by force with his big boot, and then end all “endless wars” with a drop of the leg.
He will be met with fierce resistance, of course, but Hogan is expected to withstand their attacks by wagging his finger, shaking his head in a “no no no” fashion while huffing theatrically with eyes bulging.
A source at the UN Department of Defence indicated that Hogan may receive support on the ground from Corporal Kirchner and Sergeant Slaughter, though some fear the latter might turn traitor and side with the enemy.