The Undertaker has been suspended for being undead, in clear violation of the WWE Wellness Policy.

Veteran professional wrestler The Undertaker has been slapped with a 30-day suspension from World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) after a test for the company’s so-called “Wellness Policy” revealed that he is, in fact, a dead man.

WWE’s new Chief Medical Officer, Dr. Michael Kirschenbaum, administered a random Wellness Policy test backstage at a recent WWE event, taking blood and urine samples from the so-called Phenom.

The tests revealed that The Undertaker’s blood was ice-cold, and his urine was actually a form of pure, concentrated evil.

“The WWE Wellness Policy clearly states that Superstars must be alive in order to compete,” said Kirschenbaum. “Being ‘undead’ is in clear violation of the policy.”

Suspicions about The Undertaker’s wellness have swirled around WWE for decades, given his pallid visage, the dark circles under his eyes, and the number of occasions on which he has been buried.

The Undertaker has appealed the suspension, insisting that he just needs a peaceful rest.


Keep it Kayfabe: Get the shirt!