undertaker retiredDespite widespread speculation that his in-ring career came to an end after a heartbreaking defeat to Roman Reigns this month, legendary professional The Undertaker dispelled such rumors today when he signed a deal with World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) to perform in WreslteManias 34 through 54. 

The so-called Phenom was last seen descending into the purple smoke of Hell (a crawlspace under a ramp), leading many to believe he had taken his proverbial last ride. 

But The Undertaker (real name Marcus Alexander Calaway) confirmed in a news release that he will “never rest in peace,” and will continue main-eventing WrestleMania until his undying day. 

Matches already rumored to be booked include:

  • Undertaker versus John Cena (WrestleMania 34)
  • Undertaker versus WWE World Champion James Ellsworth (WrestleMania 35)
  • Undertaker versus WrestleBot 9000 (WrestleMania 42)
  • Undertaker versus “The Beast Incarnate” Jack Gallagher (WrestleMania 44)
  • Undertaker versus Post-Apocalyptic Radioactive Trumpadactyl (WrestleMania 52)

Despite signing on to WWE for 20 more years, the contract only stipulates a total of 175 total minutes of in-ring action, and 285 minutes of slow, ominous walking.