axel undertaker
Curtis Axel stands over the vanquished body of the Undertaker after a decisive house show victory.

Legendary professional wrestler The Undertaker finally emerged from self-imposed exile yesterday with an appearance at a non-televised World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) event in Calgary, where he was handily defeated by Curtis Axel.

The so-called Phenom has not been seen in a WWE ring since his streak-ending loss to Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania 30 last April, and his surprise appearance at a so-called “house show” shocked the fans in attendance.

Even more shocking was Axel’s victory via sunset flip roughly four minutes into the bout, which only seemed to confirm that the Deadman’s glory days are long behind him.

Axel, who has lately been enjoying a meteoric rise in popularity known as AxelMania, flexed his 18-inch “pythons” over the Undertaker’s prone body for several minutes after the match; dozens of AxelManiacs in attendance went wild, though mainly for the sake of ironic smarkiness.

Although The Undertaker seemed to have a remarkably youthful complexion for a man his age (73), witnesses said his bronze glow was not actually tan, but instead just ring rust.