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Hunter Helmsley says NXT’s hot new recruits are virtually indestructible.

Fans of sports-entertainment have come to know of NXT as a fertile breeding ground for the tomorrow’s WWE Superstars, but it may soon become a feeding ground for NXT’s newest signees, a pair of undead corpses who were successful in their try-out appearance at WrestleMania Backlash. 

The two accursed creatures of the night who will join NXT are: 

  • Hubert “Bitey” McGuffin
    • Born 1884, died 1922. 
    • Risen 2015.
    • Years on independent circuit: three (mostly CZW, where he is known as Handsome Huey Heartthrob) 
    • Wrestling style: shambling, arms outstretched, groaning, some Brazilian Jui-Jitsu, biting
    • Finishing move: Brainbuster (vertical suplex into a reverse cradle, into smashing the opponents head with a rock until the delicious brains spill out)
    • Catch phrase: “Hhhnnnnnnn nnnnnnnaaaaaaaagghhhhhh [unintelligible gargling due to sudden loss of lower jaw]”
  • Katie the Cheerleader
    • Born 1967. Died, 1995. 
    • Risen briefly in 2002 for a brief appearance on WWE as an extra in a bizarre skit involving a casket and a masked man. Then WWE re-buried her, evidently in a concrete tomb so she could never come back to haunt them, but she still managed to pull off a “shoot invasion” of WWE at WrestleMania Backwash. 
    • Wrestling style: fast, erratic, typically edited together with lots of quick cuts and dramatic music; high-flyer. 
    • Finishing move: small package into feral biting of the jugular
    • Catch phrase: “Brrrrrrraiiiiiiiinnnnnnnsssss, brrrrrrrraaiiiiiiiins, The Gaaaaame fraaaaaamed Kaaaaaane, braaaaains.”

It is unknown whether the new signees will compete as individuals or as a tag team, but they’ve already made their presence known by biting three trainers at the WWE Performance Center, all of whom are reportedly currently feeling “strange” and “ravenously hungry for meat.” 

According to longtime journalist Dan Mutzler, both wrestlers are “practically unstoppable” in the ring, warning on his Wrestling Watcher podcast: “In extreme circumstances, like a no-holds-barred match, they can be stopped by removing the head or destroying the brain. I will repeat that: by removing the head or destroying the brain.”

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