Amid a disastrous and politically bungled public health crisis, a spiralling economy, and mounting evidence that he could have largely mitigated both if he had just listened to the adults in the room, WWE Hall of Famer and US “President” Donald JimmyJam Trump has hired Wade Barrett to host the daily White House media briefings. 

Bad News Barrett made his first appearance a briefing today, raising himself high above the White House press corps (enemy of the people!) on a tall cherrypicker device and bringing the press conference to order with a bang of the gavel.

“I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news,” growled Barrett, “and it is largely epidemiological.”

Barrett delivered a stark forecast of graphs and charts, as well as the following pieces of bad news:

• COVID-19 is especially dangerous for men who live in basements
• Mexican “lucha” wrestling masks have been shown to cause more illnesses than they prevent
• Harvey Epstein didn’t kill Jeffery Weinstein
• Another WWE Hall of Famer has announced a presidential bid, but this one is not quite as clever as Trump
• COVID-19 can be transmitted via mandible claw, eye gouge, fish-hook, abdominal stretch, pointing at the WrestleMania sign, chanting “What?!”, and referring to wrestlers by their real names. 

Barrett then handed the podium to Dr. Anthony Fauci, who somehow delivered even worse news than Barrett.