trump north korea
Donald Trump’s brand-new press secretary, Gary Busey, released this illustration of what Trump intends to do to Kim Jong-un.

Amid escalating nuclear tensions between North Korea and the United States, US President Donald Trump has vowed to defeat and humiliate Kim Jong-un the only way he knows how: by shaving his head. 

Trump threatened to unleash nuclear “fire and fury like the world has never seen” upon North Korea, and then subsequently fly to the post-apocalyptic wasteland and personally shave the head of “that little Kim loser.”

Trump, who famously shaved the head of WWE magnate Vince McMahon at WrestleMania, stated that each country will have a one-hour in which to fire as many nuclear missiles as it can at the other.

The nation with the largest population still not vaporized will be the winner, and that country’s leader will shave the head of the other. 

Trump and Kim will not, of course, put themselves in harm’s way — instead hiding in a bunker, watching cartoons and lamenting their tiny hands until the mutually assured destruction has run its course. 

Both countries have launched propaganda campaigns promising victory; Trump has mocked Kim’s “little mushroom hairdo,” while Kim has (correctly) stated that Trump actually only has one very long hair, which has been spun like candy floss around his cranium. 

Kim claims to be “stunned” by the challenge, but most sources say he is lying — proving that he, like Trump, cannot sell a stunner.