Following his sudden dismissal of James Comey as Director of the FBI, US President Donald Trump has appointed a man he says “has the experience, the toughness, and the cajones” for the role, L. Guido Nunzio. 

The new role is familiar territory Nunzio, who was a senior leader in the FBI in the late 1990s and early 2000s alongside Deputy Director Tracy Smothers, Ombudsman Thomas Rich, Counterintelligence Secretary Charles Palumbo, and Cybersecurity Chief Anthony Mamaluke.

At a press conference this morning, Nunzio denied rumors that Comey’s firing was due to an ongoing investigation into Russian interference in the American election, stating instead that Comey was a “struppiau meatball.”

“Donny Trump, he’s my goombah,” said Nunzio during his swearing-in ceremony this morning at a Washington pizzeria. “Russian hacking? Fuggedaboudit.”

According to sources within the White House, President Trump plans to replace Homeland Security Secretary John F. Kelly with a more suitable leader, Sgt. Robert Remus.