Although there will only be one “traditional” Survivor Series match at tonight’s WWE pay-per-view of the same name, sources within the company promise the five-on-five showdown will, in keeping with tradition, be tedious and overbooked.

“Fans have come to expect a long, convoluted elimination match at Survivor Series, and that’s what we’re going to deliver,” WWE head Vince McMahon said at a press conference this morning.

McMahon told reporters that the match will unfold in a traditional manner, with the fan favorites quickly losing the upper hand and getting eliminated one-by-one due to the dastardly tactics of the villains.

But when all hope seems lost — after about 30 minutes of illogical, cluttered action — the outnumbered good guys will launch an underdog comeback.

In the past, the Survivor Series featured several of these bloated, overlong elimination tag matches, but WWE matchmakers eventually realized that fans can only absorb so much abuse.

Otherwise, McMahon promised that rest of Survivor Series 2013 will be “longish” and “expensive to watch.”