butts in seats
Shiavone says the pillow “cures the butthurt of even the crustiest smark.”

Longtime professional wrestling commentator Tony Schiavone — known by millions as the voice of WCW at the height of the so-called Monday Night Wars — has signed on as spokesperson for a line of high-end hemorrhoid pillows called That’ll Put Butts in Seats.

The new gig capitalizes on Schiavone’s most infamous line of commentary, when he gave away the result of a pre-recorded WWE match — Mick Foley winning the World Heavyweight Championship — and sarcastically snickered that Foley as champion would “put a lot of butts in seats.”

The wisecrack, of course, had the opposite effect than intended, as millions of viewers flipped the channel to witness Foley’s victory, thus turning the tide of the Monday Night War, and putting countless flabby, hairy butts in WWE’s collectible seats for years to come.

In a new commercial for the hemorrhoid pillow, Schiavone says: “It’s so comfortable, it’ll let you sit through an entire episode of Nitro — even in the David Arquette era!”

Schiavone hopes to parley the job into endorsement deals for other products, such as “Where the Big Boys Play” oversized underpants, and Ye-tay brand bandages.