The state of Florida, where professional sports-entertaining has been deemed a “necessary service,” has declared a state of emergency after thousands of residents accidentally missed an essential episode of Monday Night Raw and needed immediate hospitalization. 

In the most dire cases — typically men under 40 with pre-existing health problems and numerous useless replica belts — patients needed to be put on lifesaving sports-ventertainmentilators. 

Like hospitals and pharmacies, the WWE Performance Center is rightly considered by Florida’s governor to be an essential service — a declaration made, by a staggering coincidence, almost immediately after WWE matriarch Linda McMahon’s Super PAC donated $18 million to Florida. This is an especially happy accident considering that the McMahons were the single largest donors to the 2016 Trump campaign. What lucky series of flukes!

Sadly, many Flordians have been denied essential services such as disease testing and Smackdown LIVE, and there’s no telling how grave the consequences can be. 

One emergency room surgeon in Tampa, Dr. Bob Ponovich, urged all Flordians to stay home and watch essential WWE programming: “I know the cure is worse than the disease, but WWE is essential and we must all watch it.”

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