Emergency rooms around the United States are overrun today after thousands of fans of professional wrestling overdosed on the newly launched WWE Network — a product experts are describing as “more addictive than heroin.”
Forsaking food, water, sleep and human interaction, the wrestling junkies holed up in basements around the country yesterday to mainline professional wrestling footage for hours.
World Wrestling Entertainment teased the junkies for months with hype about the impending launch, sending thousands of them into a salivating, convulsing state of anticipation.
When the 24-hour video-streaming service finally launched, the wrestling addicts were essentially helpless to resist the allure of unblinkingly watching hours of footage including ECW Barely Legal, Taboo Tuesday 2007, and even latter-day WCW Nitro episodes.
The mass overdose was, thankfully, isolated to the United States, but experts fear a worldwide epidemic once the service becomes internationally available.
If you feel you might be ingesting dangerous amounts of WWE content, turn off your television or computer immediately and repeat aloud: “It’s just musclemen play-fighting in spandex. I don’t need this.”