LJN wrestling
Tyler Herschel inspects what he calls a “wise investment.”

Feeling his already-tenuous masculinity threatened, 37-year-old wrestling fan Tyler Herschel was forced to explain again today that the colorful plastic wrestler effigies that occupy his bookshelves are action figures, not dolls.

“For the millionth time,” he grumbled, shaking his head in abject frustration, “they are mint-condition collectible action figures.”

His mother, who had accidentally knocked over a gleaming 1985 LJN King Kong Bundy figure with a feather duster, smiled and replied: “Oh, yes dear. Of course they are.”

Herschel says he is “getting pretty sick and tired” of constantly explaining to family, friends and would-be lovers that his near-complete collection — spanning the entire LJN “8 Series” WWF figures (including a rare S.D. Jones with Hawaiian shirt), as well as Jakk’s Pacific and Mattel series — is a “wise investment.”

“I don’t see them as toys,” insists Herschel, despite the fact that he spent much of last weekend meticulously re-enacting WrestleManias 4 through 9 with the plastic figures on his bedroom floor.

“They are worth a lot of money on the internet,” he adds, unaware that his mother fully intends to sell the entire collection at a yard sale as soon as Herschel finally moves out of the house.