summerslam boat
Vince McMahon says pay-per-views on land “have become, quite frankly, passe.”

Sports-entertainment guru Vincenzo “Vince” McMahon vowed today that “the show must go on” amid a global pandemic, even if that means hosting pay-per-view events at the bottom of the ocean.

McMahon revealed that World Wrestling Entertainment has purchased a retired Russian submarine called the Kozlov, and that Summerslam will  be held on the submersible if large gatherings are not permitted on land.

Already being dubbed Submerse-Slam by fans, the event would unfold somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean where maritime laws do not mandate mask-wearing, social distancing, or common sense.

WWE made headlines earlier this year by being labelled a “necessary service” in Florida — although, inexplicably, cases of the coronavirus still continued to increase in the state, leading some experts to wonder if “necessary” is the right term to describe a bunch of scantily clad muscleheads play-fighting.

Backstage sources says that, if SummerSlam goes well on the submarine, he plans to host WrestleMania on Mars.

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