indy wrestling
The “professional” wrestlers in this image have earned a combined total of $27.32 during their wrestling “careers.”

A study published this week in the Harvard Journal of Sports Entertainmentology¬†reveals that a staggeringly low number of people who call themselves “professional wrestlers” actually wrestle as their primary profession.

A mere 0.0013 percent of “professional wrestlers” earn sufficient income from wrestling to qualify the activity as a profession — nearly all of whom are employed by World Wrestling Entertainment — whereas the other 99.9987 require a full-time vocation to cover their spandex expenses alone.

Among the actual professions most commonly held by “professional” wrestlers:

  • Fitness club smoothie bar mixologist
  • Night manager at Arby’s or Taco Bell — often both
  • Soon-to-be professional wrestling podcaster, just as soon as mom and dad provide money for the microphone
  • Neurobiochemist (pot dealer)
  • Fourth-rate NFL football player

Of the “professional” wrestlers surveyed, roughly 96 percent believe they will “soon or very soon” become a WWE Superstar and earn millions of dollars annually.

Statistically, however, the actual number who will achieve WWE success is vanishingly small, and the rest will continue to wrestle for free hot dogs in hopes of meeting and marrying a wealthy “ring rat” (also astronomically unlikely).