cm punk rant
CM Punk feeds his addiction by launching into long, shoot-style tirades.

Although he professes a lifelong pledge of abstinence from drugs and alcohol, wrestler CM Punk confessed yesterday that he is hopelessly addicted to the sound of his own voice.

“When I get talking, I just can’t stop,” admitted a shame-faced Punk.

“I like to imagine that the microphone is a metaphorical pipe bomb with which I deliver blasts of truth in a business rife with phonies and sycophants and — damn, there I go again, yakking away. I’m sorry.”

The former WWE Champion has maintained a life of sobriety — despite having whiskey poured down his gullet by former nemesis Chris Jericho — but his sole vice has been an overwhelming, unquenchable need to hear himself talk.

Like most addicts, Punk didn’t comprehend the depths of his addiction until he hit rock bottom; he went on a bender last weekend, listening to 16 consecutive hours of his own in-ring promos dating back to his tirades in IWA-Mid South.

Punk’s closest friends — independent wrestlers Colt Cabana and Cliff “Domino” Compton — staged an intervention at Punk’s Chicago apartment, urging the WWE to seek help for his problem.

The intervention reportedly stretched on for several hours because Punk wouldn’t shut his big yap.