Astronomers and amateur stargazers alike will turn their eyes to the skies today to witness a rare sight: an eclipse of the sun by Venis, a former professional wrestler and adult film star.
Venis is expected to pass between the sun and the earth for several hours this evening — a celestial event that will not happen again until the year 2117.
Wearing special glasses that protect the eyes from the sun’s powerful light (and from the gleaming baby oil that covers the surface of Venis), stargazers should get a clear glimpse at Venis as it saunters suggestively across the sky.
Using powerful telescopes, astronomers will get unprecedented glimpses of Venis, including its distinctive physique, attire and sexual swagger.
“We fully expect to see its white towel and flexing pectoral muscles,” said Dr. Duncan Hollingsworth of the Royal Astronomical Society. “If we’re lucky, we may even witness a famous feature of Venis — its gyrating midsection.”
For the first time in history, the Royal Astronomical Society will deploy sophisticated deep-space audio equipment in hopes of recording the sound of Venis, which theorists believe is akin to “Helloooooooo ladiiiiesss.”