Although World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) claims its Hell in a Cell pay-per-view will be broadcast “live” tonight, the event was actually recorded several weeks ago — and we’ve got the results!

It is not widely known that WWE now tapes three episodes of Raw and a monthly pay-per-view during a single night — one of the many ways WWE continues to emulate its chief competition, Total Nonstop Action (TNA) Wrestling.

Hell in a Cell, ostensibly airing “live” from Los Angeles at 8pm ET tonight, was actually recorded at a small Florida soundstage on Tuesday Oct. 6.

The large “live” crowd you’ll see when the program airs tonight is completely generated with post-production CGI (thereby eliminating the risk of pesky fans chanting sarcastic phrases or holding up off-brand signs).

 

Here are the results:

WWE United States Championship: John Cena vs. Mystery Opponent

Cena loses the US Championship to Mordecai, as foretold by ancient prophecy.

 

Divas Championship: Charlotte vs. Nikki Bella

Nikki’s boob almost pops out at one point. That’s really what you want to know, right?

 

Tag Team Titles: New Day (Big E, Kofi Kingston and/or Xavier Woods) vs. The Dudley Boyz

Spike Dudley interferes, but betrays his former brothers, hits Devon with his patented Dudley Dog maneuver, and then becomes the newest member of the New Day, playing oboe.

 

WWE Championship: Seth Rollins vs. Kane

 

Rollins is defeated after Rollins is sneak-attacked by Isaac Yankem, Fake Diesel, Unibomb, Christmas Creature, Doomsday, Angus King, Bruiser Mastino, and noted libertarian Glenn Jacobs.

 

Intercontinental Championship: Kevin Owens vs. Ryback

Ryback wins. Obviously.

 

Hell in a Cell Match: Roman Reigns vs. Bray Wyatt

Just like last year, Bray Wyatt appears in the form of a misty hologram, making it impossible for Reigns to grab him. Time-limit draw.

 

Hell in a Cell Match: Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar

Cancelled due to lack of fan interest.