SPOILERS: WrestleMania was pre-taped last week — and we have the leaked results!
Despite being billed as a “live” extravaganza to be held this weekend, WWE’s much-hyped WrestleMania 41 was actually pre-recorded last Tuesday and Wednesday — and we have obtained the exclusive leaked results!
The two-day event was taped in front of a green screen at a soundstage in Burbank, with the audience to be digitally added before the program airs on Netflix this weekend.
WrestleMania has become prohibitively expensive to actually produce in front of a live audience, largely due to the effects of the trade war launched by WWE Hall of Famer Donald Trump.
Kayfabe News has viewed the entire event and give it a rating of 8.5 stars (out of 11). We certainly did not expect the surprise appearances by Jon Moxley, Mr. T, Whoopi Goldberg, and a talking cartoon dog named Vincie.
If you’re avoiding spoilers, READ NO FURTHER!
Now, here’s what happened on the 41st annual Showcase of the Immortals:
WWE Women’s Championship: Tiffany Stratton (c) vs. Charlotte Flair: The woman currently performing the “Charlotte Flair” persona (who only looks vaguely similar to Ashley Fleihr, the original performer of the character) performs a moonsault that almost makes contact with Stratton and wins. But really nobody wins.
United States Championship: LA Knight (c) vs. Jacob Fatu. Cut from the event to make time for a nine-song medley by Flo Rida and up-and-coming Las Vegas rapper Nev Ada.
Rey Mysterio vs. El Grande Americano: El Grande Americano steals an underhanded victory thanks to outside interference from his cousin Venti Columbian.
Jade Cargill vs. Naomi: After an absolute bloodbath amid thumbtacks, light tubes, barbed wire and exploding pirhanas, Naomi wins via figure-four leglock. Fans are entertained but confused.
World Heavyweight Championship: Gunther (c) vs. Jey Uso: Gunther pummels Jey from pillar to post in the early going, seemingly destined to score an easy victory. But the tables are turned by the shocking arrival of a previously unknown Uso triplet, Todd Uso, which distracts Gunther enough to allow Jey to score a roll-up victory.
Women’s World Championship (Triple Threat): IYO SKY (c) vs. Bianca Belair vs. Rhea Ripley. After a match full of high-flying action and intense drama, the match is called a “no contest” after all three women become hopelessly entangled in Belair’s ponytail.
Intercontinental Championship (Fatal 4-Way): Bron Breakker (c) vs. Finn Bálor vs. Penta vs. Dominik Mysterio. To the surprise of many, Dominik Mysterio immediately dominates all three of his opponents with a dazzling display of both technical prowess and heartless brutatlity. Mysterio wins after just 81 seconds. Balor, Penta and Breakker are all transported to a local medical facility, where they are still clinging to life.
AJ Styles vs. Logan Paul: Despite being consistently out-wrestled by AJ Styles, Logan Paul picks up a sneaky victory after AJ is beaten senseless by a horde of human-sized PRIME bottles.
Damian Priest vs. Drew McIntyre: Match cancelled after the men decide to settle their differences via open, respectful dialogue and empathetic listening.
Undisputed WWE Championship: Cody Rhodes (c) vs. John Cena: Cena takes his “heel” persona to an unprecedented level by simply no-showing WrestleMania with no explanation, so Rhodes wins by default. Flo Rida performs two more songs to fill time.
Triple Threat Match: Roman Reigns vs. CM Punk vs. Seth Rollins: 10-minute time limit draw.
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