Despite weeks of hype promoting the showdown between Edge (SURNAME UNKNOWN) and Randy Orton as the Greatest Wrestling Match Ever, the pre-taped bout — which will air tonight during the WWE Backsplash — was quite the opposite.
Fans and experts who have seen a leaked recording of the match, which began circulating the internet last night, described it as “dreadful,” “hard to watch,” and “the worstest wrestling match ever.”
Longtime wrestling journalism Dan Mutzler rated the match with an unprecedented “negative 37 stars,” thus ranking it lower than even the one house show match between the Great Khali and the Yeti (pronounced yet-tay).
WWE honcho Vince McMahon was reportedly “furious” about the match, which included the following lowlights:
- Edge attempted to begin the match with a sudden spear, but tripped over his own boot lace and fell face first into the referee’s groin
- Orton’s ring entrance, despite requiring only 15 paces due to the small size of the WWE Performance Center, lasted 75 minutes.
- While pounding his fists on the mat to psyche himself up for an RKO, Orton accidentally shattered both wrists and elbows, as well as, inexplicably, Edge’s left eardrum.
- During on particularly long boston crab, Orton appeared to fall asleep for several minutes.
- Orton only realizes halfway through the match that, as a rib, someone backstage had pooped in his boots, and his hasty removal of those boots causes a chain reaction of vomiting among commentators and ringside personnel.
- Due to a clerical error, the match was given a 14 minute time limit, which, due to to the timekeeper’s violent nausea, was sadly not enforced, and the match ran 89 minutes (132 counting entrances).
- Even the “trainees” who usually cheer and boo and bang on plexiglass on command started a “borrrring” chant after the first flubbed sequences of arm drags.
According to an inside source, who asked to be identified only as Velveteen D., a heavily edited version of the match, enhanced with canned cheering and CGI footage, will air tonight during Backlash. You’ve been warned!