Fans of professional wrestling have been eagerly anticipating the much-hyped Royal Rumble pay-per-view, which airs on the WWE Network tonight but was actually taped yesterday — and we’ve got the leaked results!

More from Kayfabe News

If you’re trying to avoid spoilers, you should stop reading right now because some pretty surprising developments unfolded last night (hint: Strowman is no match for a returning Marty Jannetty!), and it will be more fun to watch them happen “live” on tonight’s pre-recorded broadcast.

But if you really want to know, here’s the match-by-match rundown. Try to act surprised when you see all of this later tonight!

  • Gallows and Anderson versus The Revival: Gallows and Anderson win by putting on yellow-and-black bee-striped masks to confuse the referee
  • AJ Styles vs. Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn: cancelled after complaints that the term “handicap match” is offensive to the differently abled
  • Brock Lesnar vs. Kane vs. Braun Strowman: Obviously Kane wins in under two minutes, as everyone has been predicting all along
  • Two more WWE Hall of Fame inductees were announced: Mantaur and Mordecai.
  • Women’s Royal Rumble Match: JoJo, who enters the match as #1, outlasts all others to win, notably throwing Kharma into the fourth row
  • Seth Rollins and Jason Jordan vs. Cesaro and Sheamus: Rollins and Jordan win with help from Jordan’s father, (Kurt Angle) and Rollins’ father (Henry Rollins).
  • Men’s Royal Rumble Match: cancelled due to time constraints

 

TODAY ONLY! 15 PERCENT OFF KAYFABE NEWS SHIRTS WITH PROMO CODE “RUMBLE”