Fans of professional wrestling have been eagerly anticipating the much-hyped Royal Rumble pay-per-view, which airs on the WWE Network tonight but was actually taped yesterday — and we’ve got the leaked results!

If you’re trying to avoid spoilers, you should stop reading right now because some pretty surprising developments unfolded last night (hint: Strowman is no match for a returning Marty Jannetty!), and it will be more fun to watch them happen “live” on tonight’s pre-recorded broadcast.

But if you really want to know, here’s the match-by-match rundown. Try to act surprised when you see all of this later tonight!

  • Gallows and Anderson versus The Revival: Gallows and Anderson win by putting on yellow-and-black bee-striped masks to confuse the referee
  • AJ Styles vs. Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn: cancelled after complaints that the term “handicap match” is offensive to the differently abled
  • Brock Lesnar vs. Kane vs. Braun Strowman: Obviously Kane wins in under two minutes, as everyone has been predicting all along
  • Two more WWE Hall of Fame inductees were announced: Mantaur and Mordecai.
  • Women’s Royal Rumble Match: JoJo, who enters the match as #1, outlasts all others to win, notably throwing Kharma into the fourth row
  • Seth Rollins and Jason Jordan vs. Cesaro and Sheamus: Rollins and Jordan win with help from Jordan’s father, (Kurt Angle) and Rollins’ father (Henry Rollins).
  • Men’s Royal Rumble Match: cancelled due to time constraints