moxley aew
Jon Moxley did not appear at All Out because he had really bad diarrhea, so we used this older picture of him.

Fans of professional wrestling are buzzing with excitement for AEW All Out, which airs ostensibly “live” tonight but was actually recorded yesterday inside a Burbank soundstage. 

The version of All Out that fans will see on TV will include a CGI “audience” digitally added during post-production. 

An anonymous inside source, who asked to be identified only as Colt C., leaked an early edit of the show to Kayfabe News, so we now have the results of All Out! 

Women’s Casino Battle Royale
Riho, Anna Jay, Kiera Hogan, Jade Cargill, Abadon, KiLynn King, Leyla Hirsch, Nyla Rose, Big Swole, The Bunny, Red Velvet, Thunder Rosa, Tay Conti, Penelope Ford, Diamante, Rebel, Jami Hayter, Emi Sakura, Hikaru Shida, Skye Blue, TBA
Winner receives shot at the AEW Women’s World Championship.

  • Outcome: TBA wins in her debut
  • Match length: 2 mins, 48 seconds
  • Summary: TBA is an absolute star — powerful, beautiful, charismatic. She DESTROYS Thunder Rosa, Nyla, Emi, Prancer, Vixen, and Dawn Derblitzen.  Wait until you see TBA (rumoured to stand for Total Bad Ass). We can’t wait for the date of her singles debut to be announced. 

 

AEW World Championship
Christian Cage vs Kenny Omega:

  • Outcome: Christian Cage wins championship with hip-toss-and-pin combo. 
  • Match length: 4 mins, 51 seconds
  • Summary: Standard sloppy fare from these backyard brawlers. 
  • Rating: 1 Star

AEW Women’s World Championship
Britt Baker (c) vs. Kris Statlander

  • Outcome: Britt Baker retains in an 60-minute “Broadway” draw
  • Match length: 1 hour
  • Summary: A masterpiece of physical storytelling that may never be surpassed. It seriously made Flair-versus-Steamboat look like a pile of hot garbage. 
  • Rating: 17 stars

AEW World Tag Team Championship (Steel Cage Match)
The Young Bucks (c) vs. Lucha Bros

  • Outcome: The Young Bucks (Matt and Tito Jackson) defeat the Lucha Bros (Kalisto and Octagon Jr.) via highly telegraphed kicks to the face
  • Match length: 37 minutes, 1 second
  • Summary: As expected, this was a plodding dud of a match, full of endless rest holds and trying (without success) to garner any kind momentum. Clearly all four men have put on a LOT of pandemic weight, and each looked completely gassed after the first few minutes. 
  • Rating: 0 Stars

AEW TNT Championship
Miro (c) vs. Eddie Kingston

  • Outcome: Eddie Kingston wins after a hilarious comedy match that lightened the mood after the Bucks/Bros trainwreck. 
  • Match length: 13 minutes, four seconds
  • Summary: Whoever said that “funny does not equal money” in professional wrestling has clearly never seen these two gifted jesters work their side-splitting magic in the ring. All their classic spots were in there: Eddie Kingston’s mime-trapped-in-glass-box routine, Miro’s classic “Who sharted?!” shtick — and even the midgets got involved! 
  • Rating: 5 Stars 

MJF vs. Chris Jericho

  • Outcome: MJF wins with a small package. Per the stipulation of the match, Chris Jericho is banned from ever wrestling in AEW again. Jericho, gracious and humble as always, thanked MJF for the opportunity, thanked the fans for their support, and left the building, tears streaming down his face. 
  • Match length: 17 seconds
  • Summary: A rather anti-climactic end to Jericho’s moderately successful wrestling career, but rules are rules!
  • Rating: 4 stars (one for the match, three for Jericho’s beautiful display of sportsmanship amid a career-ending moment). 

CM Punk vs. Darby Allin

  • Outcome: Cancelled due to time constraints. 

 

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