The 2014 FIFA World Cup, hosted this year in Brazil, gives legions of soccer enthusiasts — and countless more last-minute bandwagon-jumpers looking for an excuse to drink — the opportunity to get whipped up into a pseudo-patriotic fervour over a “sport” that lacks all of the compelling elements of its inspiration, WWE WrestleMania.
“It’s sort of like WrestleMania for people who don’t enjoy all that action, drama, and excitement,” explains FIFA President Sepp Blatter.
“Imagine if every match at WrestleMania were four hours long, but nothing much happened, and the event lasted for a month.”
Soccer fans, who typically spend the rest of their time enthusiastically watching paint dry and grass grow, are inexplicably enthralled by the sight of people chasing a ball up and down a grassy field, despite the complete absence of chairshots and powerbombs.
Soccer is also known as football in much of the world — not to be confused with American football, which has its own pathetic WrestleMania knockoff every year called the Super Bowl.
The only similarity between professional wrestling and soccer is the frequency with which participants feign leg injuries and writhe around in theatrical mock-pain.