Professional wrestler Heath Slater’s repeated insistences that he’s “got kids” have been revealed, via DNA tests administered by the Maury Povich Show, to be not technically true.

Slater seemed both shocked and relieved when host Povich opened a manila envelope and revealed that Slater is “not the father” of five children: Cletus Slater, Bobby-Jo Slater, Phineaus Slater, Jinder Slater, and L’il Heath Junior.

According to the DNA tests, each of the children Slater believed were his own were actually sired by five different men, and several DNA tests revealed traces of Booty-Os, Simon System powder, and ICO PRO.

After a moment of stunned silence, Slater lept to his feet and danced around the TV studio, celebrating the fact that his modest mid-carder salary will go much farther now that he “ain’t got no kids to feed.”

In a later segment on the Maury Povich Show, another DNA test revealed that Hillbilly Jim is indeed the father of Bray Wyatt.