Roman Reigns promos
As part of his revamped on-air persona, Roman Reigns will not be allowed to touch microphones anymore.

To prevent him from ever speaking into a live microphone again, lest the entire WWE Universe succumb to acute narcolepsy, Roman Reigns has been repackaged as a muscular but utterly silent deaf-mute.

Though Reigns is an impressive up-and-coming star on the WWE roster who shows strong potential for main-event success, his speaking abilities sadly pale in comparison to his physical prowess.

During one of Reigns’ recent in-ring promos, for example, loud snoring was audible throughout the arena, and social media engagement plummeted as fans by the thousands apparently fell asleep at their keyboards.

WWE has also placed the following warning on all of Romans’ earlier promos available on the WWE Network: “Do not operate heavy machinery while listening to this promo.”

It is believed that Reigns will be paired with a manager who is comparatively more eloquent — Paul Heyman, for example, or a talking parrot — thus removing the need for Reigns to ever open his mouth again, except to eat and grunt.

According to inside sources, his new manager’s most important responsibility will be to make Reigns look strong.