A small but devoted group of sports-entertainees who have become known as the “ringside regulars,” due to their ubiquitous presence in the front row at WWE live events, have inexplicably managed to procure their usual seats for tonight’s empty-arena WrestleMania event. 

Among the familiar faces who will be sitting ringside, opposite the so-called “hard camera,” will be Longhaired Simon (and Mom), green-shirted Superfan Smilez, Brock Lesnar Guy, and weirdly-normal-looking-guy-who-clearly-has-incredible-wealth. 

They will be the only fans in attendance at WWE Performance & Indoctrination Center, where WrestleMania will unfold for the next two preposterous evenings. 

For their safety, the ringside regulars will sit behind a plexiglass sneezeguard.